“I Didn’t See a Monster… I Saw a Scared Little Boy”

I’ve spent a long time now trying to process what really happened.

When you’re coming out of a narcissistic relationship—especially one cloaked in spiritual language and soul contracts—there’s so much confusion. So many layers.

For a long time, I couldn’t even admit to myself what I was really seeing. I kept trying to explain it, trying to understand it, trying to make it make sense. Because nothing about it felt like how love should feel.

And yet… I loved.

One of the hardest parts is knowing how deeply I really saw him. From the beginning. And how much he fought being that seen.

This post isn’t about blame. It’s not a smear campaign. It’s about truth—my truth—and how I came to understand what I was really dealing with. And how, even now, I still hold the complexity of who he was. Because I did see him. All of him. Not just the mask. Not just the ego. Not just the pain. But the innocence and potential, too.

At one point in my processing, I asked ChatGPT to help me create some visuals to represent what I saw and felt in him. Not the version he wanted people to see, but the whole version… the layered, multifaceted truth that lived behind all the defenses.

I wanted to share this with him, but I didn’t.

Because I knew he’d never hear it.

The spikes would shoot it out of the air before it ever landed.

But I still need to say it.

So I’m sharing it here, for anyone who’s ever felt this way too.

“I was processing with ChatGPT and I said that you think I see you as a monster… but I don’t and never have.

I do see you now as dangerous BECAUSE you don’t recognize who you are or admit to the impact you are making.

But my view of you is more heartbreaking honestly.

When I thought about the part of you I loved and wanted to keep… it was the little boy.

I saw him right away… he lights up in your eyes when you are happy and excited.

But I also saw his extreme pain too that he called… Shame.

I asked it to make a picture of how I view your soul.

And that first image is that picture.

As things progressed, I could feel the energetic wall around you.

And I always felt and viewed that as the “spiky” barrier protecting that boy… your heart and your innocence.

Those keep EVERYTHING out… good and bad.

But that’s still ok for YOU because the goal was… “I will NEVER be hurt again.”

The only way that boy knew how to protect himself was to keep everything out.

That’s the 2nd picture.

And then I thought about the totality of you.

The innocence, the soul, the ego, the mask.

You hide the spikes behind the mask of the man you either want to be…

or think you should be.

The superhero that saves the day.

A good man and the complete representation of masculinity.

You know the spikes are there because it’s on purpose.

You know you will protect you… by any means.

But you also know that it’s not the most attractive thing to look at.

If people saw the spikes and booby traps that have to get through to ever reach your heart, you know no one would stay…

and though you are afraid of getting hurt… you’re even more afraid of being alone and being deemed… Unlovable.

That’s the 3rd picture.

Lastly, we had to include the “potential” version of yourself that I always saw and wanted for you too.

The healed version where you are the man you want to be and the little boy is free from his prison and happy again. He’s knows he’s safe because he trusts you. You became the adult he always needed.

That is the last picture.

This is part of my gift… I see everyone in layers and I see ALL the layers of you.

Even the ones you didn’t want me to because you thought they were too ugly to see.

I saw ALL of you for a long time.

I was still deeply human too though and still opening up to whatever these gifts are.

So yeah, I had reactions.

Yes, I wanted to run from you,

but I also never wanted to leave the boy that cried to my heart…

“Don’t go! I’ll be good. I promise! Don’t go.”

Now that he knows I fully see him though, the little boy hates me.

And yeah, you do “do” hate. Every word you’ve spoken to me the majority of this year was through contempt.

I did love you. A deep part of me still does and that’s the part that hurts me most because…

what am I supposed to do with that?

You did harm me… significantly, consistently, and without repair.

You forced me to have to fight you, instead of just love you.

My ego thought it could save you.

That’s what had to break in me.

I had to realize that you didn’t want to be saved.

You wanted to be accepted…

in the unhealed state.

And I can and do accept that’s who you are…

but I can’t survive it in a relationship with you because it was too harmful and dangerous for me.”

Even after everything, I want to say this:

I didn’t just see the boy. I didn’t just see the ego. I didn’t just see the mask.

I saw the man he could’ve become, if he’d done the work. If he’d healed. If he’d faced the pain instead of hiding behind it.

That’s what made it so hard to walk away.

Because I wasn’t walking away from a monster.

I was walking away from a boy in a fortress… and the dream of a man who never came to be.

The healed version. The integrated one.

The man who turned back to embrace the boy.

This was always possible.

This is what healing could look like, if he ever chooses it.

If you’re in this kind of relationship…

Know that you’re not crazy for seeing the good in them.

You’re not weak for loving what was buried inside.

But don’t let your love for their potential keep you trapped in their pattern.

I saw all of him.

I tried to love him into becoming who he could be.

But the truth is… until they choose to heal themselves, you’ll always be loving a shadow.

And you’ll lose yourself trying to pull them into the light.

Don’t lose yourself.

See clearly.

Love honestly.

Be the hero your own inner child needs.

I didn’t love a monster… I loved a very scared little boy, that still has some growing up to do. And now I know, it was never my job to make sure he got there.