“I Begged My Abuser for Forgiveness”

The Effects of Psychological and Energetic Abuse That Makes You Question Your Own Sanity

By The Awakened Jenn

I spent years doing this very thing, maybe even my whole life with the various toxic/abusive/narcissisticstic people in my life. And it’s been the hardest part of healing and recovery for even me to understand, much less anyone around me. It’s the part that made me feel the most broken and dare I say… “crazy”.

I begged my abuser to forgive ME… while they held zero accountability or remorse for what they had done to me.

WHY would I do this has been my own hard question to answer.

Let’s be honest though.

Psychological abuse is rarely obvious in the beginning, and it may be the most insidious type of abuse there is.

It doesn’t start with screaming or threats. It starts with:

• Confusion

• Mixed signals

• Gut instincts that get overridden by charm, chemistry, or what feels like deep soul connection

If you’re an emotionally intelligent, spiritually awake woman, you may be even more vulnerable. Not because you’re weak, but because you’re able and willing to see complexity. You give grace. You want to assume people mean well. And you may still be naive enough to believe love is enough to heal things.

That’s exactly how the abuse gets in.

Here’s What It Really Looks Like:

• You start to feel uncertain about yourself and your choices, even though you used to feel confident.

• You begin apologizing constantly, often unsure what you’re even apologizing for…. and sometimes it feels like you are apologizing for existing at all.

• They say they love you, but their actions are cold, dismissive, or absent.

• You replay conversations in your head, trying to figure out what went wrong, because they refuse to give you direct answers and often omit important information purposefully.

• You stop bringing up things that bother you because you already know they’ll deny, deflect, or blame you…. and you know you’ll end up feeling worse.

• When you do bring things up, they say you’re too emotional, sensitive, dramatic, intense, irrational, or projecting…. it just always leads to an argument, where you become the bad guy for soeaking it at all.

• You’re constantly in a state of uncertainty. One day they’re affectionate. The next day they’re distant, avoidant, or gone.

• You feel guilty for having needs.

• You become addicted to the high of connection, and the chase to fix the rupture. (Classic Trauma-Bond)

It’s not just emotional abuse.

It’s psychological warfare dressed up as intimacy, and the danage goes deep.

How It Works: The Mechanics of Manipulation

This abuse is based on power and control, but it doesn’t always look like domination—it looks and feels like confusion.

Because confusion makes you easier to control.

Here’s the formula:

1. Idealize you (love-bombing, mirroring your values, fast intimacy)

2. Devalue you (pull away, criticize, invalidate, create doubt)

3. Reinforce intermittent hope (small gestures that keep you hanging on)

4. Shift blame (everything becomes your fault)

5. Gaslight you (you question your own sanity)

6. Keep you energetically hooked (so even if you go no-contact, you still feel them)

The abuse isn’t in the yelling.

It’s in the inconsistency, the mental confusion, and the way they make you the problem every time.

That’s why it’s called crazy-making. Because it literally rewires your brain’s safety mechanisms.

They systematically steal your sense of reality and peace, and the damage runs deep.

How You End Up the One Begging for Forgiveness

It’s not because you’re desperate, stupid, or dumb. It’s because your nervous system is trying to survive.

Your brain is conditioned to believe:

• “If I’m good enough, they’ll stop hurting me.”

• “If I fix myself, we can go back to the good part.”

• “If I love harder, they’ll finally see the truth.”

But that moment where you’re apologizing to someone who hurt you—that’s the moment the abuse is actually confirmed the most.

And it’s also the moment your healing can begin.

What Kind of Person Does This?

Let’s be direct.

People who do this often fall into one or more of the following categories:

• Narcissistic: They lack empathy, need to dominate emotionally, and must be seen as “good” even while doing harm.

• Avoidant and emotionally unavailable: Deeply wounded but refuse to take responsibility or do the work.

• Trauma-bonded: They only feel love when it’s chaotic, so they create the chaos.

• Spiritual bypassers: They use spirituality as a shield from accountability.

• Energy leeches: They drain people to feel alive or powerful. Often subconsciously—but still dangerously.

Do they always know what they’re doing?

Not at a conscious level. But they know enough. Adults know right from wrong. They know it’s wrong.

They know you’re hurting. They know their part. And they keep doing it.

Who This Happens To

This happens most often to:

• Deep feelers

• Healers

• People who grew up around dysfunction and learned to “make peace” to stay safe

• Women on the spiritual path who confuse pain with purpose

• People who believe in potential instead of reality

If that’s you—it makes sense that you stayed.

You weren’t weak.

You were programmed—by them, by trauma, by conditioning.

But you don’t have to stay in it anymore.

How to Get Out and Heal

Here’s what healing really looks like—not the pretty version, the real one:

1. Cut contact (including energetic)

This includes:

• Blocking

• Deleting

• Unfollowing

• Cord-cutting

• Ceasing all explanation or checking for responses

2. Rebuild your sense of reality

Your brain has been trained to doubt itself. Start keeping a truth journal. Write what happened—without spiritualizing or minimizing it.

3. Regulate your nervous system

Your body has been in fight, flight, or freeze. You have to reset it through breathwork, grounding, cold exposure, somatic release, etc.

4. Work with a trauma-informed guide

Healing abuse is not a DIY job. You need someone who sees clearly what you’ve been through and helps you process it without sugarcoating.

5. Grieve what you hoped it would be

You weren’t just in love with a person. You were in love with a vision. Let that go, too. Mourn it. Burn it. Bury it.

6. Claim the truth that sets you free

Say it out loud:

“I was abused. I begged for forgiveness because I was trained to believe it was my fault. But I see it now. And I won’t live under someone else’s dysfunction ever again.”

Final Word

You didn’t fail.

You didn’t imagine it.

And you’re not broken.

You were systematically conditioned to carry someone else’s shame.

But you can put it down now.

For good.

#traumabond #gaslighting #psychologicalabuse #spiritualmanipulation #twinflameabuse #divinefemininerising #healingtruth #reclaimyourpower